Abrupt return to reality

So, today was my first day back at school in years. First time I've been back in a secular environment for much much longer (we're not going to talk about that...). Was in Anatomy and Physiology lab. Today was the solar eclipse, too. We had our usual syllabus, first half of class was normal, had break to see the eclipse if we wished, returned to class, more notes - then my professor drops a bomb. Today we are dissecting cats.

I'm sorry, what?!

Half of the class just stared in disbelief.

We had groups of five. Ours were all girls. Two who were completely terrified/horrified, two of us who are mothers who have probably experienced far worse than even the bagged cat can imagine and then there was one girl who might need to be held back a bit because she was poking at ALL of the things. She cray. But useful.

I named it Fluffy, even tho it was hairless except for it's head. Thank you for your sacrifice fluffy.
In Fluffy we are reminded that the medical field is personal. That the people we work with are more loved than even the pets, like Fluffy. Fluffy might even be the start of saving lives one day from some of these students (aka, the ones who don't run screaming out of the door and drop the class before they hit the parking lot). I don't know what good Fluffy did for me, but I hope Fluffy didn't get bagged in vain.

As for dinner... I may pass on that for now.

Help me Google....

What were you doing at 7 am this morning? I was googling how to get an entire bottle of baby lotion off new laminate flooring...

If you can say that you have ever googled something like that, I'm deeply sorry and you have my sympathies. At no point did I ever think that I would say the sentences I have uttered, google the weird questions I've encountered or experienced any of the straight up freakishness that embodies my children. The very ones that just a few short years ago I held in my arms for the very first time. You see all those sweet sweet pictures of babies in arms...not once did you picture nearly sliding to your death on the latest booby trap set by your precious children, did you? Me either.

Now, I work with toddlers a couple of times a week and I've grown accustomed to the judgmental stares from them as I make some noise/face/action to get the newest classmate to stop crying and adjust to a new experience. Toddlers cannot hide their judgement, tho to be honest - I doubt they would if they could. Seriously, I don't have to take that from someone who squeals and loses their minds over spheres of soapy water floating in the air. Know what I mean? Yeah you do... Their judgement pales to that of my own children as I nearly lost my life (and to a lesser extent, my backside) as I skittered across the floor of their room trying to figure out what dimension I just walked into or if there were secret cameras somewhere. Nope, just your average day with my children...

Were you also aware that about a half bottle could be spread over the entirety of a standard floor rug? It's possible. I promise. Fear not, said rug was permanently removed and I spent a solid hour de-icing the floor, removing anything else they might use against me or the flooring. I'm sure I didn't get everything, but then they are creative little mad scientists.

Pray for me, people. Seriously. They're only 2.5 and 4... What am I going to do by the time they're preteens or teens?

Oh and in case you wondered, the best way to clean that up is paper towels, swiffer wet jet with the laminate flooring solution, baby wipes, swiffer wet jet, baby wipes, and finally swiffer wet jet again. Just tuck that into the back of your brain if you have small ones or are considering them in the future.

What did parents do before google?! Sheesh....

Big beds, bad ideas

Well, last night was my 2.5 year old's first night in a big girl bed. I sweetened the deal for her to actually STAY in it by stringing glow sticks on the metal headboard. Last night went soooooooooooo much better than I could ever have hoped.

Then came morning.

Did you know that the WORST alarm clock might be two angry girls screeching at each other WAY before time to get up?

Did you know that pulling wet pull-ups out of the diaper pail and throwing them at each other and anywhere else in the room is a new game?

Can you imagine how gross that makes a room smell? (I don't know if you can truly imagine...)

After rearranging the room, scrubbing...everything, and getting us all ready - we ran some errands in the rain. Littles love puddles. Invest in good rain boots for you. I opted for silver glitter rain boots - because GLITTER. Your comfort level and your pants will thank you.

By nap time, both girls were waning - until nap time. They spent 3 hours losing their minds and running amok in their room. They crashed an hour before they're supposed to wake up. I enjoyed an evening of grumpy girls, laundry, dishes, tuckered out hubs and taking out the trash.

Now I'm writing to you while squealing and giggling occurs in the big girl bed room. Surely they'll tire out soon. Right? Please?

Momma needs a nap.

What's your weirdest kid wake up event?

IKEA and angry people

I didn't think this night would end.

I am shocked that my youngest slumbers...in her new big girl bed. Seems that cribs are not made for two year old the size of four year old and cannot handle the stress of the mighty. Today we headed to IKEA after church for this new bed. Can I just give you a recommendation? DO NOT GO ON SUNDAY. They're out of half of what you want, there are waaaaaaaaaaaay too many people in there and gracious - I want all of the things! Also, Swedish meatballs. CHICKEN Swedish meatballs. All of the yes.

The demographic at IKEA is fascinating. There are poor folks, college folks, hipsters, overwhelmingly wealthy folks, etc. all chilling in the same store. I'd like to say they're all getting along, but that would not be the case most of the time. When did society stop smiling and saying hey or excuse me? When did we stop having basic manners? Treating others as equals in humanity? Or even being a part of humanity?

What is up with people acting so badly? I spend so much time trying to teach my children to be polite, explaining why what they say sometimes is rude and how to correct it, that titles do not entitle (princess) and that all people should be treated with kindness whenever possible.

I was in a meeting with a bunch of mothers once where the speaker asked us what we wanted our children to be when they're grown. Write that down and think about it. Then, once you have it written down, is how you are guiding them going to get them there? If not, fix it. Keep that end goal in sight. Share with the kids who you want them to be as humans, not as grown people trying to direct their professional paths, rather just as parents who want to put something into society on the positive side of the humanity spectrum for a change. When good deeds or general kindness to their fellow man makes its way into news media instead of a solid nod and the expectation that this should be the norm - we've failed.

Apparently we can all like the same things, eat the same amazing meatballs and find the same amazing home goods from a neat Swedish store, but we can't manage to like each other in the simplest of ways... C'mon people. C'mon.

Let's hug this out in a non creepy way. :)

The dread kid's birthday party

Disclaimer - I must preface this with the fact that I adore all of the kids and parents involved in this party.

Now, let's get down to business...

Indoor bounce houses... why are you a thing? You smell like old sweaty feet, you are loud, screechy, hot and overcrowded. Your employees are overwhelmed/overworked/underpaid and your facilities are always in the sketchiest of places. Like "Welcome to back alley massacre acres!!!"... It's just...why are you a thing?

I understand your need. Truly, I do. More than you will ever know, but can't you get your act together? Please? If you're going to be indoor exercise and in a back alley industrial park - I have some suggestions.

1. Ventilation. For the love of all things, get some industrial ventilation. I gag with the old sweaty sock smell. Gag.
2. Let's drop the cracked out clown motif, shall we? Please. It's the stuff of nightmares. Primary colors are great. Streamers are great. Clowns are just adding fuel to the back alley massacre acres genre. Seriously, guys. Nightmares.
3. If you plan to do revolving birthday parties (smart business move), have the good sense to have an actual event coordinator. I promise it will increase your traffic flow and decrease your hate blogs. Organization on a schedule is a beautiful thing.
4. I'd recommend a real parking lot. Maybe with more than one or two lights in it, too. Also, maybe some grounds keepers to help clean up after last nights massacre party. There were two empty liquor bottles in front of my parking space. Now if that was from an employee - never mind. I get it. Just maybe provide some recycling bins...
5. Hire people specifically for cleaning those giant things. When WAS the last time they got a legit scrub down by a professional instead of a teenager who just wants to go home asap? C'mon - we're all thinking it.

Now, you did a couple of things right. Your still enthusiastic (somehow) employees did work very hard to make sure everyone was safe and there WAS a massage chair in each room (no ATM...) so well done, there guys. Please don't give up. Please.

I'm guessing the new indoor trampoline place and the new indoor rock climbing place are eating away at your business, but if you want to survive - don't give up.

I'm glad we had this talk. Now I'm going to go take the hottest shower I can stand. Peace.

It's only lunchtime?!?!?!?!

Today I had a rare treat where the girls actually slept in (oh PLEASE let this be a new phase!!! I could totally use one on the positive side), so we got a later start. I knew I needed to go to Sams today, so I presented that to them. They're always happy to go anywhere, so they asked for dresses and their boots - cuz Sams is fancy like that… Finally we're all dressed, fed and out the door into one of the most spectacular mornings I've ever seen! The girls run and squeal in the sunshine. As the sun comes through the old oaks and dances across them, it strikes me as a perfect picture time. In case you weren't aware, preschoolers suddenly become misshapen trolls when asked to smile for a camera…. It's a thing. After about 15 pics I think I have one that works.  The four year old does this ridiculously overdone cheshire cat grin while the two and a half year old believes that looking at her shoes  or scowling as she walks away is the correct camera protocol. At some point I give up and begin getting them into the vehicle so we can just go. I get them both buckled in and get rolling. I get to Sams and cannot find my phone… ruh roh… thinking… thinking… think…oh no. I think I put it on the top of the truck bed cover…

This is that moment were you feel a little sick to your stomach and begin to panic. Thankfully, God has children wired to nut up at that exact moment to use it as frustration/distraction. Thanks… I think. We get focused and get shopping. We're out of like…everything. Now I am a very biased momma when I say my girls are beautiful - but it's true, too. My girls draw people likes flies. They may be different ages but they are the exact same size and weight. Seriously. Down to the ounce. Great for clothes buying, fun for causing people to stumble over their words. Personality wise they are night and day but will tell you they're best friends. May that ever be so. Today, was no different. We couldn't go an aisle without people gushing and asking if they're twins. I always respond with "Nope" and wait a while before I offer the answer to their confusion. Seventeen months difference. Then they're even more puzzled… They're the same size, staring back at them with the same deep blue eyes. Nope. I'm not wrong. I promise I'd know… We finally wade thru the sea of admirers,

 plus one sketchy dude that I think was following us for a bit until I turned a corner, then waited for him in a "come at me bro" kinda way complete with eye contact…he took off quickly. Momma don't play. We finally got  and get out of the door with a few slices of pizza for lunch and head home to eat them.

Once home, we all begin to circle the yard, drive, etc looking for the phone. To no avail. That sinking feeling getting deeper. I'm about to have to tell my husband that my scatterbrained, forgetful self just cost us a smartphone… He's not going to be happy. He is always gracious, but he will still not be happy. I get the girls going on their pizza and check the house phone. There are missed calls from my hubs. I call him back. Some dude found my phone on the side of the road. (Deeeeeeeeeeeeeep breath of relief). Found out where to go pick it up, snag kids mid meal and we retrieve phone, after missing the turnoff twice… Come home, and unpack truck (forgot about the other food). In the process, I spilled raspberries I bought for hubs who also had a panicky morning wondering if his girls were all okay. I spilled chicken juice in the truck (rotisserie chickens and juicy), but cleaned it up with a spare pair of four year old underwear in the truck - don't judge me. Potty trained ain't truly potty trained for years to come. Spares are always a thing. Everywhere…. So, I brought the chicken and the undies back into the house, put the undies in the laundry room and the chicken in the fridge and went back for more groceries. I had just finished when I realized the ancient deaf blind dog was chewing on said undies that he had retrieved from the hamper. I wrestled those from him as he was COMPLETELY against my idea and going all pitbull on the chickeny undies. I finally got them back and into the wash, got the girls who were long since done with their pizza playing with legos and finally sat down to my own very cold pizza…. I have the line from mulan after she's found out by her fellows that she's a she, sitting in the snow saying, "I should never have left home…".

Man, it's been a day and it's only lunchtime…